this poem reminds me of that night we put out rat poison.
Me up at does
out of the floor quietly
Stare a poisoned mouse
still who alive
is asking What have i done that
You wouldn’t have
—ee cummings
haha i know!!! i felt bad for you, mice. all of you mice. i saw Ratatouille. you were just doing what you needed to do.
i don’t know which blog to put this in,
cuz my mind is definitely half in madrid and half in bangkok…
since we’re the only ones in our VIS group who chose not to travel this weekend, last night, meredith & i took a leisurely stroll to Puerta del Sol, widely regarded as the heart of Madrid. Sol is a major transportation hub filled with all kinds of clothing stores, tattoo parlors, coffee shops, bars, fast food places, fountains, benches, and all kinds of people at all hours of the night as it morphs into morning. We went to (where else) a very swanky McCafe, one of the nicest McDonald’s i’ve ever had the pleasure of enjoying from the 2nd floor. we got cookies and greek yogurt and all that good stuff and sat for a while just chatting about life and love and spain.
it was a great place to people watch, and we looked down to see tons of interesting people milling around everywhere in the plaza. but once the novelty of the families, couples, and weird looking teenagers wore off, with a start i noticed that the street was lined with prostitutes up and down Sol. Spanish women spaced out pretty evenly on a street leading to the most crowded part of Madrid, arranging their skintight skirts, lowcut shirts, texting on their iPhones and making themselves generally presentable. Unlike Thailand, prostitution is legal in Spain.
seeing so many women gathered by 10 or 11pm to attract customers was a very unsettling experience. Seeing them brought back instant memories of the KT Guest House, sitting and listening to Ivan, a missionary in bangkok who ministers to male prostitutes in bangkok, handing out condoms and listening to stories and praying. images of Nana, a red-light district in bangkok that caters to Western tourists, flashed in my mind. Feelings of first and second-hand shame as a mama slaps me on the butt with a foam stick touting sexy ladies. Anger at seeing white men surrounded by beautiful Thai women. Surprise at a more forgiving reaction to Asian men. so many women that came to Bangkok in search of a way to live and found only decay, at least on the inside. I remember my heart just breaking with empathy that I couldn’t explain: the need to be wanted, to feel beautiful, to excite and be everything to someone who could make you feel important or loved or at least better than you were before. Lights and smells and skin and eyes focused on the cracks in the sidewalk, darkness and brokenness and prayers that couldn’t rise above Nana, that couldn’t escape high enough for God to hear.
the overwhelming sights and muted panic of bangkok red-light districts are a totally different experience from the toned-down desperation of puerta del Sol. the women aren’t wild or naked or dancing. they just stand and wait. we see a man appraise one particular women, up and down he checks. he smiles and they walk off together. i look over to see if meredith has noticed; i can only grimace when she returns once more. ill never forget the chills i got when we walked down Sol and a woman asked someone in our group if he was interested in what she had to offer. what was her story, that someone made in the image of God, someone that He sent his Son to die for, a beautiful woman like her, was out on the streets of madrid asking a 20 year old american student to pay her for sex? did anyone know? was she alone in this world? the prostitutes have iPhones and designer bags and really expensive clothing; something about prostitution in spain, in comparison to the poverty of bangkok, seems even more sinister and rotten.
taking jesus at his word
Luke 16:19-25 “There was a rich man who dressed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. But at his gate lay a poor man named Lazarus whose body was covered with sores, who longed to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. In addition, the dogs came and licked his sores.
“Now the poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. And in hell, as he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far off with Lazarus at his side. So he called out, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in anguish in this fire.’ But Abraham said, ‘Child, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things and Lazarus likewise bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in anguish. Besides all this, a great chasm has been fixed between us, so that those who want to cross over from here to you cannot do so, and no one can cross from there to us.’ “
——
i think if i really believed in my heart that Jesus meant what he said in this parable, i’d live my life a lot differently. (if i really understood the power of the cross, if i loved the way I am loved) i’d put others first. i’d love different people and do different things.
“My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus’ words and walk away, content to settle for less than radical obedience…”
happy birthday!
i almost forgot to say, 4 days ago was yaay pensri’s 64th birthday! i hope she had as great of a birthday as Abi did over the summer… It was Abi’s birthday during our first half-week at our ministry sites. we had only been in our homestays for 1 full day before I mentioned to daniel and ansell that abi was turning 20 on saturday! we did some over-the-top gesturing, charades and pictures to convey the idea of ggao’s birthday to our grandmas. to my surprise, they were so excited to hear about the birthday and even planned a surprise party for her! it was one of my favorite memories about bangkok… I was terribly homesick and regretting my choice to come on the Trek. i couldn’t see why the heck God had dumped me in the outskirts of bangkok for a whole month. why did God choose me to be here, now? I’ll never forget looking around at our motley crue of random thai people and random students from the US, huddled in yaay boonsri’s small living room hashing out an elaborate plan to get abi and her grandma in taxis to the Ruth Center, and then instead to my house, without abi realizing it was all for her. we planned a secret note delivery, biking, walking, an escape route, a backup plan, a cake. and even after we said goodbye that night, while i was snuggled inside my mosquito net ready for another night psychologically battling the mice, our friends came over and knocked on our door to KEEP planning! they sat in a circle with my grandma, their faces dimly lit by a bright reading light she keeps next to her while she sleeps. i barely picked up any of what they were saying, but i couldn’t stop smiling. it was so funny. so sweet. so simple so real so wonderful so kind of them. who was I, what had I ever done in my pathetic easy life to deserve to be invited into this setting? to be treated like an honored guest in this home, AND a daughter? as if i were doing some service? i didn’t bring absolutely anything to the table, and here i was getting a glimpse into a life so different from my own. well the party plan went off without a hitch, i’m pleased to say. we had the most delicious spicy glass noodles with beef…….yummmmmmmm… and pepsi with ice… and a yummy cake from the market that a stream of ants also enjoyed pretty quickly once we were done. and we even had more cake with all the Trekkers at Sabbath team time the next day. so yeah. i hope yaay pensri’s birthday went kind of like that.
Death
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
—Isaiah 46:4
we’d spend our afternoons sitting around the Ruth center, eating lunch with the elderly grandmas, sharing sticky rice, spicy papaya salad, chicken and green beans. The last week I went with Ansell to feed his grandpa paralyzed from a stroke a few years ago. We’d carefully pour out the plastic bag of spicy broth, vegetables and meat into one bowl. Carefully measure out lots of rice in another. He’d feed himself shaking and dropping rice and soup into his lap. Abi’s grandma’s hand shook as well, and she needed Abi’s help to eat. my grandma had diabetes and subsequent dizzy spells; once, the spells got so bad that she fell down onto an uncovered fan and lost vision in one eye. Her left eye was always kinda cloudy.
because of the Trek, i’ve become absolutely terrified of growing old, losing lucidity, not knowing who i am, my mind and body wasting away into nothing until death. it’s been a morbid summer. every time i go home, my parents are visibly older and older. One day, i’ll go home from a vacation or a break, open the door and find an old man and an old woman waiting eagerly for me. It’s more than I can think about right now… and yet God says he will be my God until i have gray hairs. (I already have some.) And He will never leave our Thai grandparents, my parents, or me, no matter how many days we have left here.
Packing, Again.
Well it’s almost time to head to Spain for one semester studying abroad. Filling luggage again with crap for which I have assessed a need. Worrying about airports, layovers, taxis, homestays, gifts, maps, money. It’s a time for “lasts”: Last meal in Nashville, last snuggle-fest, last home-cooked Chinese dinner, last shower in my own bathroom. At least until December.
Reflecting on the last month out of the Trek, I regret all the things I never made time to do that I said I would ASAP:
- go through my closet and donate all the things I didn’t need
- donate $20/mo. to the Ruth Center
- write a letter to Yaay Pensri
- print out pictures of the Trek and mail some to her, perhaps as a birthday gift on Sep 25. maybe some for pon on Nov 6.
- share about my Trek with people from my chapter
- continue praying for the Center every day. Yay Pensri crosses my mind every day, but I don’t always take the simplest thing for her, my time, to pray for her.
It is truly amazing how different life is here. Though life in Bangkok was very hard, I can now really appreciate how having nothing to do encouraged me to spend more time reading Bible and praying. Forced me to live with integrity and follow through on simple promises. With only a useless Thai-english dictionary and 30 minutes of Thai lessons scribbled into a notepad, I finally learned what “lost” and “misunderstood” mean. Jesus became lonely and sad for us, too. He became human so that we could understand him. I became Thai so that Grandma could understand me. (And I’ll become Spanish so that….I can fulfill my Spanish major!) Now that I’m home, at least I was for a month, all my resolve for change and improvement and spiritual discipline has truly worn down. I wouldn’t say it has disappeared or dissolved; I find myself more eager to get involved with social justice issues, irritated at Christians that lack a global perspective, maybe slightly more outgoing. I want to live with integrity - live as I promised God I would, lying with a fever on Grandma’s mat - but I “c” that my current conditions of comfort will always lead to constant compromise.
I look ahead and can only wonder what God has in store for me in Spain, and if I will be brave enough to see.
Thank You & Reflection
(what i e-mailed everyone…for future reference)
Dear friends and family,
I can hardly believe that I’m already writing my final update to you after a whirlwind 7 weeks on the Trek! I was so encouraged to come home and read so many wonderful and thoughtful emails from you, especially in response to my sickness overseas. Your prayers and support have made this experience both possible and unforgettable.
So, I’m sure you’re wondering, exactly what did I do in Bangkok? And what did God teach me from my time there?
To start, I worked with a ministry called the Ruth Center that provides support and community for the elderly across ten slums on the outskirts of Bangkok.
- Watch a video describing the ministry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neIfUuHSB_E
- Ruth Center website: http://www.projlife.com/ruthcenter/
The Ruth Center was founded in 2008 by one woman, P’Noi, a courageous Christian woman who truly demonstrated to me what it means to obey the Lord no matter what. She faced loads of initial financial worries, doubts from friends and family, and spiritual warfare in a community possessed by idol worship. Today the Center ministers to hundreds of needy elderly in neighboring communities, giving out bags of rice or toiletries, repairing homes, visiting and praying daily, and hosting various missionary groups from around the world. I saw firsthand how integrated the Ruth Center was in the communities. Everybody recognized P’Noi and knew where the Center was. It is truly a light in the darkness of an overwhelmingly Buddhist country with only 0.5% Christians.
our team, host grandmas, host friends, and ruth center staff
- See some more beautiful pictures of elders we met here
I lived for four weeks with a grandma, Kuhn Yaay (Grandma) Pensri, in the community of Bua Luong. She is 63, short, sweet and sassy. She lives alone, without much support from her daughter; she suffers from diabetes and poor vision, but she is very self-sufficient. She cooked us meals every day and denied my requests to help clean or cook.
We lived on the outskirts of Bangkok without many people or cars. It wasn’t exactly rural – we lived near a university and a busy marketplace – but our community itself, of about 100 families, was quiet, dusty, and close-knit. The homes are wooden with corrugated tin roofs and standing on poles above pitch-black water filled with trash. The streets are lined with trash as well. Living conditions were simple, but comfortable; we had electricity, water, a TV, fans. It took a couple weeks to get adjusted to, but by the end of the trip I was very sad to say goodbye to our small but cozy home…
assisted living
When I heard we would be living with grandmas, in separate homestays, I assumed that we’d be helping them out with their daily lives. Ansell prepares each meal for his grandpa, as his mobility is severely limited from a stroke. Abi helps feed Yaay Noi and clean up around the house, because she is old and feeble and her hands shake. I found that, personally, there was definitely some assisted living going on - that is, Yaay Pensri helping ME survive in the Prawet district of Bangkok. she fed me, cooked deliciously authentic Thai food, did the laundry (including mine, i’m ashamed to admit), brought me to the Ruth Center, mopped the floor, washed the dishes, told me when and taught me how to shower… Yep. I couldn’t have survived without Grandma.
